15 things we all do abroad but pretend we don't — from ridiculously early airport arrivals and tactical sunbed operations to coming home with souvenirs nobody remembers buying.
Going abroad does something strange to British people.
At home, we're relatively sensible. We go to work. We pay bills. We complain about the weather. We might have a cup of tea at 8pm and consider that quite exciting.
Then someone puts an all-inclusive wristband around our arm and suddenly we're different people.
We've got a beer at 10:17 in the morning, we're discussing the quality of the hotel bacon with a man called Dave from Wolverhampton, and we're reserving a sunbed as though our family's future depends on it.
Welcome to the Great British Holiday
Nobody teaches us how to behave on holiday. Nobody writes the rules down. Yet somehow, the moment the passports come out, we all know exactly what is expected of us.
On holiday: Full English at 5:45am, €14 inflatable crocodile and towels deployed before sunrise.
We Get to the Airport Ridiculously Early
The flight leaves at 9:40am.
The airport is an hour away.
A normal person might leave at 6am.
Not us.
Leave with plenty of time
Arrive comfortably before check-in closes, clear security and have breakfast.
“I reckon we should set off about half two.”
There could be traffic.
Half two?!
Are we flying the plane ourselves?
At 3:47am you're standing inside an almost deserted airport wondering why you've paid for parking when the check-in desk isn't even open.
Dad is delighted.
This sentence will be repeated at least seven times.
Airport Rules No Longer Apply to Food
At home, having a pint at 6:20am would probably result in concerned questions from friends and family.
At an airport?
Full English breakfast?
Absolutely.
Burger?
Why not?
Three pints before boarding?
Apparently this is now breakfast.
We Become Obsessed With the Departure Board
Your gate isn't being announced for another 48 minutes.
Doesn't matter.
You're checking the board.
Yep.
Still says that.
Ninety seconds later, you check again.
You also have the airline app open on your phone.
Still, nobody completely trusts technology until they've personally stared at the giant airport screen.
We Queue Before There's a Queue
The announcement clearly says:
You're Group 5.
Nevertheless, somebody in the family stands up.
“Where are you going?”
We're Group 5.
“People are queueing.”
“I know we're not boarding. We'll get nearer.”
Nearer to what?
The aircraft isn't leaving without you.
You've got an allocated seat.
Yet within seconds you're standing behind 74 other Group 5 passengers who've reached exactly the same conclusion.
We Get Unreasonably Excited About Sunshine
You've spent hours travelling.
You've gone through security.
You've queued.
You've boarded.
You've listened to someone cough behind you for three hours.
Then the aircraft descends through the clouds.
Blue sea.
Palm trees.
Swimming pools.
Sunshine.
As though sunshine wasn't the entire reason you booked Spain.
We Immediately Compare the Hotel to the Photos
The transfer coach pulls up.
Everyone goes quiet.
This is the moment of truth.
Yes.
Everyone immediately starts inspecting the building like they've been hired as professional hotel inspectors.
Questions begin immediately
“The pool looked bigger online.”
“That's probably not the main pool.”
“Where's the waterpark?”
“Is that our balcony?”
You haven't even checked in and the hotel has already undergone a complete family audit.
The Wristband Changes Everything
Then it happens.
Reception attaches the all-inclusive wristband.
You are now economically unstoppable.
You've paid for this.
“Do I actually want another?”
Consider whether you're hungry or thirsty.
“Might as well.”
It's included.
Not thirsty?
Doesn't matter.
Included.
Ice cream?
Included.
Second lunch?
Included.
Breakfast Becomes an International Sporting Event
Nobody eats like this at home.
At home:
Toast. Coffee. Maybe cereal.
On holiday, you walk away from the buffet carrying a plate that suggests you've completely misunderstood breakfast.
A nutritionally confusing masterpiece
Eggs. Bacon. Sausages. Beans. Croissant. Watermelon. Cheese. Pancake. A mysterious pastry.
And, for reasons nobody can explain, two slices of cucumber.
We Become Sunbed Property Developers
It's 7:03am.
You're on holiday.
You could be sleeping.
Instead, you're standing beside a swimming pool holding four towels.
The perfect sunbed location
Good sun.
Near the pool.
Not too near the children's splash area.
Close enough to the bar.
Some shade available later.
Excellent.
The towels go down.
You then disappear to breakfast for 90 minutes.
By Day Three, You're Basically a Local
You know which lift is fastest, what time the chips appear at the snack bar and exactly which section of the pool gets shade at 3:40pm. You have achieved full resort mastery.
We Suddenly Become Weather Experts
Back home, you occasionally check whether it's going to rain.
On holiday, you've transformed into the Met Office.
31°C
Excellent.
Cloudy
Family crisis.
Nobody paid thousands of pounds to experience clouds.
Someone immediately checks a second weather app because obviously the first one must be wrong.
We Judge Other People's Plates at the Buffet
Everyone does it.
Somebody walks past carrying six sausages, chips, rice, spaghetti, two chicken nuggets, a bread roll, watermelon and a chocolate éclair.
You look at their plate.
They look at yours.
Nobody says anything.
We Buy Things We'd Never Buy at Home
Something happens after sunset.
The holiday shops open and objects that would normally make absolutely no sense suddenly become irresistible.
Would you buy this?
A bottle opener shaped like a dolphin?
Get two.
One might make a nice present.
Fridge magnet shaped like a flip-flop?
Lovely.
Fluorescent T-shirt saying I LOVE MALLORCA?
You haven't worn fluorescent clothing since 1994.
Doesn't matter.
You're buying it.
We Say “It's Only Euros”
This may be one of the most financially dangerous sentences in international travel.
Yes it is.
You've mentally decided that euros are holiday tokens.
Perfectly reasonable purchases
€8 cocktail? Fine.
€12 inflatable crocodile? Reasonable.
€19 photograph taken on a boat? Memories.
Then you get home, check the bank account and briefly wonder whether somebody stole your card abroad.
No.
That was you.
We Spend the Last Day Pretending We're Not Going Home
Nobody mentions tomorrow.
Tomorrow doesn't exist.
You're still on holiday.
Then somebody says:
Silence.
You've ruined everything.
Suddenly everyone becomes sentimental.
“It's gone quick.”
“Feels like we only just got here.”
“Definitely come back here.”
Even the hotel cat you've ignored for six days suddenly feels like a close personal friend.
And Then We Get Home...
The front door opens.
Cold air.
Post on the floor.
Nothing in the fridge.
Four suitcases of washing.
Your holiday tan already looks 30% less impressive under British lighting.
You make a cup of tea.
Sit down.
And announce:
A sensible financial decision.
A mature moment.
A fresh start.
Then, three evenings later...
Someone's scrolling through holidays.
“Come and look at this.”
You know exactly what's coming.
And just like that, you're back.
The Great British Holiday Survival Guide
A few highly scientific ways to survive the annual migration towards sunshine.
The Great British Holiday FAQs
Why do people arrive at airports so early?
Allowing extra time reduces the risk of traffic, queues or unexpected delays causing problems. The British version simply adds enough spare time to consider breakfast twice.
Why does everyone eat more on an all-inclusive holiday?
Having food and drinks readily available makes it easy to eat differently from your normal routine. Then there's the powerful holiday argument: “We've already paid for it.”
Why does the suitcase never close properly on the way home?
Souvenirs, shopping and clothes packed less carefully are usually responsible, along with the mysterious inability to recreate the original packing arrangement.
Why are the chaotic bits often the best holiday memories?
Unexpected moments often make the best stories. A ridiculous souvenir, family joke or minor travel mishap can become the part everyone remembers for years.
And Somehow, We Can't Wait to Do It Again
British people don't simply go on holiday.
We prepare for it like a military operation, arrive at the airport six hours early, eat breakfast at an inappropriate time, compete for sunbeds, consume our body weight at the buffet and return home with a ceramic lizard we never needed.
And we absolutely love it.
Because underneath the airport queues, suitcase arguments and €8 drinks are the bits we'll actually remember.
The ridiculous moments. The family jokes. The first glimpse of the sea. That first evening when everyone's finally relaxed.
And the inevitable conversation when you get home:
“So... where are we going next year?”
HolidayIn4U Magazine
Travel advice for people who know that “all-inclusive”
is not a meal plan. It's a challenge.
